Fakts: A Typical Weekend

On Saturday, I:

• Woke up after a strange dream involving a talking dog which at one stage I was having a conversation with; later on I was the dog. I don't know what breed I was: probably a mongrel.
• Showered and dressed.
• Had a can of coke and a line of speed for breakfast, but not in that order.
• Ran out the front door.
• Caught the Brunswick Street tram into the city.
• Watched Miranda July's sublime debut feature film You and Me and Everyone We Know at the Kino cinema.
• Walked down Little Collins Street into Moviola, where I purchased Michael Herr's Kubrick, a memoir about writing the screenplay for Full Metal Jacket.
• Went back to the Kino and watched the Australian film Little Fish (starring Cate Blanchett), which I thought was strong but still under-developed.
• Walked home through the Fitzroy Gardens wishing it was autumn so there would be piles of leaves to kick through.
• Dropped in on a print-making exhibition at the Australian Print Workshop in Gertrude Street, Fitzroy.
• Had a late lunch or an early dinner at Arcadia cafe.
• Masturbated.
• Worked on a manuscript, a guidebook to an imaginary city.
• Went to a fairly dull party (names have been left intentionally blank so as to avoid hurting feelings of certain people and their dull friends).
• Went to the Empress Hotel in North Fitzroy and hung out with a bunch of Melbourne bloggers instead of actually watching a band: much more fun, and cooler people than the party.
• Walked home up Brunswick Street, horrified at just how ugly some people are: not physically, but the whole bogan-in-trendy-shirt look that passes for sophisticated in the suburbs, offends my aesthetic well-being. Why can't they stay in the bloody suburbs instead of polluting the inner city with their presence? It's not like I go out to Chadstone or Doncaster and stand around dressed in black and discussing the latest obscure Glaswegian band I've discovered while sipping absinthe and feeling angst-ridden, now is it? Fair's fair!
• Dropped in at the Rob Roy Hotel but by then it was 2.30am and it was almost closed.
• Went to Control HQ and sat on a couch smiling at people, talking shit, and drinking until 5am.
• Went home and crashed out.

On Sunday I:

• Slept in until midday.
• Got up and looked sadly at the empty bag of speed.
• Read The Age - well, not exactly read, but skimmed headlines, paying most attention to the arts section.
• Rang my mate Mike to see if he wanted to hang out, but he didn't answer: apparently he was on the phone having a trans-continental blue with his boyfriend.
• Walked down to the Johnston Street Spanish Fiesta: very crowded, very noisy, good fun.
• Strolled up Elgin Street and went to the Nova Cinema, where I watched the Australian film Look Both Ways, which was fucking great.
• Walked back via the Fiesta and ate a fairly poor paella, then ducked into the Spanish Club for a piss, and to check out the new band room: there were no bands playing, but they were teaching people dancing instead. Seeing no cute boys to ask for a dance, I left.
• Dropped into the Brunswick Street Bookstore and found two expensive hardcover collections of photographs I wanted to buy (one of Sydney police crime scene photos from 1920-1950, the other of New York in the 30's and 40's). I didn't buy either, but took notes of their publishers so I could try and scam review copies.
• Came home, ordered Indian takeaway and grabbed a six-pack of Mercury dry cider, my preferred tipple.
• Went down to the video library and hired six Stanley Kubrick films.
• Came home, ate dinner, watched Killer's Kiss (a film noir), drank, and went to bed.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my exciting life.